I realised im 25. i need to do something to ggood to my life. to change the world. to make a difference. i havent done anything good yet in my life. so today ill start. i thank you those christian pastors here for inspiring me. American, chinese, filipino pastors, theyre all have been great. thank you.
It was y pamangkins bday last week 4th bday. my cuzin lives in kallang. so my cuzin and i wake up early and attended a service in every nation. 9am kasi ang mass dun. the one we regularly attend is in ymca 1pm mass to 3 then uwi na kami tining. so we atteded the mass in amara, i cannnot remove from m mind the lady sinaporean pastor who preached there. she has nice styled hair. cute face maybe in her 40s. im amazed that a lady can talk and act like that shes even chinese and fluent in english. she said she prays for people. mostly non christian people and they become well she prays everyday. and this lady huh, shes not a bum, shes rich she gt her own company i think shes a contractor, its like she got everything already but still she believes in god. i am so amazed by this woman. i cant remove in my mind the time she talked at the stage. got tattooed on my mind.
im writing now i should be doing some layouts now but ill do it later hehehe im tired i went to mom and got my emploment pass card. weird thing happen also to me today. the weirdest day of my life here in singapore. i was going to my cuzins house and then a tourist she looks like myammarese or thainland i dunno she asked for directions. the bus there that i was going to ride arrives avery 20 minutes plus. so i helped 1st the lady tourist. shes a backpacker wearing tshirts n capri jeans. she asked me where this colen st i think i said i dunno eh i saw she has a map i said chek your map and point it out to me where the place is on the map. so she show me the map so i said oh that place is near take the mrt and go down at city hall just 1 station away from here. so she said thank you and quickly run to mrt. then when i looked at the bus screen the bus just passed by cuz i was bc talking to this tourist. so i waited again for 20 minutes bummer. but its ok at least i helped the tourist girl.
then the 2nd weird thing is, when i got from my cuzins house i took a taxi to go back to mom, then this taxi driver is very talkative he said u a filipiba right huh hes also a christian. he said do i gp here to study i said no i work here. oh you look young he said like 20 hahaha. thank god i look young good genes i have hehe. then he said to me read the bible. weird huh. so the 3rd weird thing happen, i finish at mom, i look hazardous already i think. i was wearing a miniskirt ad a sexy top ehhe a black one and im so tired from runnign around. then i went to the overpass since ill take the mrt back home, a guy behind me is like looking at me i know hes a filipino. but i just dont make friends w strangers. i think hes behind me up the stairs maybe hes peeping at my skirt ahhaha. but i didnt give a damn anymore im dead tired. then when i was in mrt i saw him again then he approaced me he said r u filipina? i said ha oo. then he said ah muka kasi hinde eh hehe. so there he actually lives a bit near our house hes a cebuano staying 2 weeks now in singapore hes work is it .. hes from japan he said its no good there cuz very expensive cost of living. i invited him to church tomorow i dont know if hell attend. i hope he does hell meet new friends in the chrch.
i log in here bdw cuz i found a new job now. despite the recession and retrechments. lots of design co. here the big ones retrenches. they lay off like 50 + people including architects filipino n stuff. i thank god i have a new work now, the co that hired me they called me like 5 days of october 30tth they say im hired. actually i didnt know before if i will have a new job, since till mid sept i have no job already. my money ran out alrready. i said ill go home at 1st week of november and accept defeat and go home luhaan hehe but just on time, before nov hit, i found a job. i started working 1st monday of november. cuz i really prayed to god that e give me a job where theres nice bosses and colleages not very hard work. he did answer. this job is 8-5.45 no ots free shuttle service, only 5 working days. its rare to find a co like that mostly theres the alternate saturdays here. I also pray before i go to work before i go to sleep. i pray for 5 thins: 1 is i can last at this work. that ill have good design concepts. that i wont commit any mistakes. 2. my family. my cuzins here that helps me a lot. 3. for friends relatives, every people on earth hehe 4. i for got is four is ehhe but the 5th is if ever ill get married someday i just wish its the rigth person for me that one that will last till old age. that he wont be a womanizer. hehe. thats what i pray 5 things everyday i thank god also for the things he bless me.
im starting to belive in god again, cuz last week i just have a change of mindset. its like im not blind anymore i cannot explain eh but i just know. before i cannot have any design concepts of my own. now i can. maybe cuz i quit thinking of my womanizer ex. thats hesthe most horrible man on earth ehhe. i quit thinking toxic toughts. i can see thru things now. im a bit happy n thankful. but ill try to go home on january even 3 days i miss our home. i try to go home. reminisce my used to be life there. hehe.
25. is my age now. 25 years on earth. looking back, it just hit my hed awhile ago, im in singapore, i have the chance to start a new life. after 5 mos i just realize this im so dumb ahehhe no im just blind for the longest time being. Im attending a church here evry sunday, a chritian church, its good i get to learn new stuff here bout god and stuff. we also attend a koinonea like a bible sharing thing then u eat n gather afterwards. u get 2 know peopel. good people i should say. god fearing, professionals.
my heart is breaking up right now. im so heart broken. sad. im being a loner right now. how worse can this get? in this world no matter how intelligent you are or how many phds u have, it doesnt necessarily mean you will be successful in life. Why? because its still up to the man above if hes gunna bless you or not. If you have phds, but youre not blessed from above, its all nothing.
now im so down, im lonely depressed and heartbroken. i always fail in my life. sometimes i wanna die. but not like really hehe. just like an expression. cuz am i here like to suffer? if yes why still stay? why? huh its like no point. its like im giving up right now. maybe i have given up. but im still hoping. ive given all the best i have right now, throw my best bullets, but im still waiting if i got ny luck. im thinking going home in 2 weeks my patience is wanning and i am slowly dying of loneliness. i even have a crush here on church. the guy is nice. hes like godly he sings in the church hes like 30+ already i think. sometimes i think, i never thought theres still guys like him in the world. has fear in god. he said awhile ago after the church cuz hes a singer there hope we can be christ like you in everything we do in our work our actions our decicions. he melts my heart. sometimes i think i wish id get married to guy like that whos faithful and has fear in god. i wish ill marry a guy like him. hehe. but if i date that guy huh i feel im not worth it cuz im a badass beach ehhehe not really i just love to have fun party at night.
Awhile ago i was just writing about my current jinxed status. SO why not write now also anther rant, to continue the fun of ranting, actually this is not a rant. Its a story about my lfe. Its real. Let me write something about my ex boyfriend. So any1 out there who's online might read it and pick something here somehow.
Heres my story. I had a boyfriend when i left manila. i broke up w him before i leave. actually hes the reason why i lfet. i got so mad at him i wanna run away. sometimes, i just learned, if we are in a bad relationship, and we still go on and continue w/ it and blind ourselves, we will suffer at the end bigtime. sometimes, we think why sont we have a nice bf sometimes its because also, we have apoor judgement of person. sometimes the guy is already bad, but we still continue to be with the guy. its our fault. cuz we dont wanna be alone.
so let me just tell something bout the guy, ha was my 2nd bf the 1st bf i had was in college was like joketime only, like just a few months tho i consider him my true love my 1st bf. Cuz i thought were perfect2gether. but it fell apart. so now after 3 years i have a new bf. im not the type who alway shave abf cuz i just wait 4 them 2 come 2 my life. i dont do the chasings hehe. so this 2nd bf i have is the Most evil Bf i ever had. probably i was very blind in manila. and all my cousins are in singapore so no smart ass people r there to advise me. this bf huh hes my ofismate b4 in my 1st company, i see him around n we just seldom talk. i thought hes a low profile guy cuz hes not the one who knows all people in the office. so after i resigned in the company, after 6 mos he stumbled in my friendster so there tahts where it all began. we msg each other then we went out. funny thing huh after our ist date he texts me he misses me already. it jjust felt weird like dude you dont know me that well man so how come miss me so fast? weid huh.
so there we dated, and we became bf n gf after 3 weeks. yeah it was fast. i thing also about the guy he is very fast like he cant control himself. if he wants you now he wants to get it now. i just read a book that if a guy cannot delay his wanting, its a no no cuz he cannot control his wanting. and later i learn he has a son but he said he broke up w the girl years ago n tehyre not married. but after like 5 months he admit hes married and hes not yet annulled so i got scared and broke up w him. and after a week when i left manila, he has now a new gf, i felt that he already has that girl before even whe broke up cuz the girl is his officemate. But now i really dont miss him, im just upset i was blind all the time when i was in the relationship. i also feel sorry i just wasted time. Now i have my cousins here they advise me very well abt relationships since they are married already and got kids. cuz they say if the guy really loves you, he will marry you. that guy doesnt even chase me in sngapore. cuz ii feel huh if he really loves me he an email me or msg me in friendster or call my phone. he never do that. i think i was just a victim of a guy who likesto change gfs bcuz they think they look soo good they can easily get gfs. i know deep inside he already had many gf, his new gf now, i can see now, the typical pakawala girl u know. she also got a kid w./o any father. so now i think, why the hell did i hook up w that kind of guy? why! why! why! also when i introduce him to my mom she didnt like him my mom said hes the type of guy who had many gfs already but i did not listen 2 my mom. i just go n did what i like. for the heck of it. to kill time. so now i regret i wish i listened 2 my mom so what they say parents know if the guy is good or bad is true. so next tym i intend to listen to my parents.
but now im not looking for a new bf. sometimes thyre like nuisance. they jsut mess u up n leave u for a fugle cheap girl who gives in easily. waste. joke hehe. maybe i want to get a new bf after 2 or 3 years. im 24 now going on 25. im still young. i wish the next guy i find will be my soulmate. someone who has marriage plans and someone who fears god. and someone who doesnt cheat hehe i bet thats hard to find. my cousin said i shoud find a guy whos like my dad, hes married to my mom forlike 27 years, he never cheats, in my entire life i just saw them argue 1nce. and thats it. sometimes i joke around and say my mom is ugly and her sisters are more good looking than her why marry her? but my dad say no your mom loooks very pretty. that melts my heart. even their like old in their 50s he still thinks my mom looks good. how sweet. i like my dad he gives things to me when i ask him. I dont miss my family much, i thought before ill die of homesickness when i get away from them. but no, its fun to be alone also. you learn more about yerself. so there if ever i find a guy like my dad or even better than my dad, i think ill build that guy a monument like a 10ft statue n put it somewhere just to commmemorate that tehre are still good guys out there. i can really do that. hehe.
Im sad today. God. I feel like im always sablay, im having a lot of failure here in singapore. God. 2 companies tried to kick me out the 1st one is their incorrect judgement ad my boss is dumb cuz he wants me to do 3d but he has no 3dmax. so hes an idiot ehhe. cuz hes like old. so i guess the 1st one not my fault. but the 2nd one, i tried all my best, gave my 200% but i think having a 1 yr related work xperience under my belt was not enough. even if i tried so hard. so that one i felt sad also.
so now a company wants to hire me. ill sign the contract later, but i have a downside again, my golly hehee, cuz in my resume, i worked in a company 4 1 month only, and now i changed it, i made it 2 months, so that appears in my employment pass application, so i dunno if they will reject my e pass cuz theres a difference in my work experience. im so dumb. sometimes dumbness costs you big time in your life. so i do suggest every1 not to be dumb, its convenient sometimes cuz u dont have to think, but, in reality it ireally isnt. It will cozt you bigtime in your future. you may not know it now, but it will haunt you someday. effects will be detrimental.
hay. if they reject my e pass, i get another beatdown. im getting tired. i get fired, i exited in malaysia. im running around for no reason and ill get nothing out of it. Its taking out my time and getting wasted. If they reject my e pass but im still hoping theyll pass it, I think i wanna go home. ill just work back in manila and gain experience there and ill just comeback this summer. but if they approve it, god still has a plan fpr me in singapore. Ill be very thankful. I have lots to thank god also, i got a long term pass for 1 year, and i was able to see singapore and malaysia. a pretty good country.
i feel my mind is shutting down now, i miss our house in manila i miss my pets. i miss the food. im lonely now. cuz all things bringing me down. i dont want to think anymore. all i ge is failure. sometimes i think am i jinx or sumthing? but my cousinz do say i am very lucky to be here and have parents to support me even if i dont work. i say i do have everry thing i want and need, i can buy things i want. but in my career, im jinxed. I feel so unlucky. Maybe growing up having everything makes u a brat also. Like makes u not serious about life. cuz i think life is like a walk in the park, so when trials come, i have no idea how to handle it. And this makes me easy go lucky, cuz ever since all things come so easy for me. so i realize this now thats why im being serious about my career now. Sometimes i even erase the fact i have parents in manila 2 support me, we have a house, a condo or a car there. I erase that in my mind. Here in singapore i just rent a room, and i prentend that i say i have to start from scratch. that someday ill get my own house and car and maybe get married hehe someday. just to motivate me. i try to get those things by myself w/o any1s help. But now im jinxed. so how can i do that? hmmp. I just have to stick around and see what happens. if the jinx continues or god will still be very merciful to me. Ill just wait here and sit like a duck. I cant do nuthin anyway but wait. I jut wish god give me 1 more chance. if this one fails, i think i wanna go home and cry and celebrate my birthday in manila and party all night to compensate my sadness. hehe.
heres my plan if god allows me 4 my plans to come true:
oct-dec - new work
decc - malaysia
jan-feb indonesia
march - get new job
april - dubai or anywhere for tour
Scared right now. Im also lonely. Sometimes when yer alone u get scared, sometimes why u say why im alone i wish i have sum1 with me 2 support me, but sumtyms u jsu have 2 go thru things by yerself. cuz its the only best way. I miss our house our tv my car jollibee shakeys moa i miss things rigth now. im sad cuz i got a new job now but im scared they might kick me out again. i worked in 2 companies in 3 months time. both kick me out. my god. now this scares me. but i have to move on and do my best. treat the job like my life depends on it cuz it really is like that. I dont wanna run 4 help 2 any1 anymore, i wanna stand in my own 2 feet, and say i made it by myself, im a bit of a pride person, but thats who i am i dont wanna ask for help 2 my parents anymore cuz when i do that i feel like a loser. im 24 now, my bdays will be nex week. i thank god also for giving me job i have a lot 2 be thankful.
i just wish i do good at this job and i will last. have to hang tough until feb jan. if i make it at that month im good. im stable. by that time ill think of sumthin else to do. but now, i have 2 do good at this new job. until then..
my bday wish for myself is i be stable and consistent, good health, more money in my account, to b good in 3dmax, just to be cosistent. thats all i wish for. i wish also not to meet people who lie to me n play me around. ill chose people ill be with now. so far thats all i wish for
things to be thankful for 2007: things also that happened:
that’s all I can think of now. So I still need improvements in my life. This is what I aim to achieve in 2008 if god allows and if im right of what I am wanting. I might be wrong but, this is whats inside my mind:
what I don’t want to happen is have big regrets. I know, people say u should accept the mistakes that u did, cuz somehow u learned something from it. Butits gunna be wrong to commit mistakes just cuz u wanna learn stuff. That’s dumb. I have to be more clever in deciding. I should know what to do. In my age. I still have lots to be thankful for, but im still in the process, I know, that I should make a mark in this world. I do know theres something big out there, something I am made to part of. That’s my gut feel. I would also like to meet a guru where I can learn so much from, like be enlighted much and stuff that would be great. I would also love to meet more new and aazing people to e friends with, where I can learn stuff and share things, that’s what I wish for fro 2008. board exams I would love to take but I think it wont be this year maybe some time.
